Psychologist Tells Parents What Makes Teens Tick

At the fall orientation meeting of the Parents Council of Washington, Inc., Dr. Rita Schonberg, spoke about "How Today's Culture is Shaping Our Kids' Self-Image and the Choices They Make (and is there anything we can do about it?)." Dr. Schonberg, who is a clinical psychologist who specializing in adolescents, first discussed the development of the concept of adolescence, which is a 20th-century idea. The purpose of adolescence is to prepare a child to assume adult responsibilities. The more complex the society, the longer the period of adolescence. In our culture, middle class kids spend their high school years preparing to get into a good college; thus, they have a longer period of adolescence.

The major issue for an adolescent is developing his or her identity. Developmentally, this is the period that psychologists refer to as "individuation," or developing an identity that is separate from the kid's parents.

Adolescents also experience a significant increase in hormones, which causes both physical and neurological (cognitive) changes in the young person. Adolescents become much more sophisticated in their reasoning. They learn to ask questions about what is possible, particularly whether they are the wonderful people that their parents have been saying that they are. Not surprisingly, they find these questions unsettling.

In addition, adolescents have new sexual feelings, which may include (in many cases) fantasies that they find uncomfortable and that may lead to them feeling defective in some way. It is normal to have these fantasies, but the kids don't know that, and they often feel confused.

Kids need to find a way to soothe themselves during adolescence, while still feeling competent and normal. They seek something bigger than themselves that can replace their parents in their lives. They may identify with a sports figure or movie star, become more religious or mystical, use drugs, sleep all the time, or rely on their friends. Further, a major issue for adolescents is avoiding shame (and being laughed at by adults or peers), especially in early adolescence.

Kids may also be mean to each other, partly because it involves pulling away from their parents and what their parents told them to do (to "be nice," for example) and partly because they are experimenting with power. Girls can form groups that exclude other girls. Boys are typically better at managing power relationships (unless a particular boy always ends up on the bottom, without the power).

Parents need to know their kids' strengths and weaknesses. Kids who have regulation problems-getting to bed on time, getting dressed on time, doing homework, and eating properly-suffer from lack of downtime and the expectation of competence. Parents have to be creative in their approaches for solving this problem. For example, for one kid whose room was particularly messy, her parents replaced her dresser with three baskets-one for clean clothes, one for dirty clothes, and one for shoes. As long as the clothes and shoes were in the baskets and not on the floor, that was all that was required of her.

Parents may find certain trends in our culture troubling, but their children may not. First, there are less clear boundaries between day and night (because of email, for example). Second, there is less privacy (e.g., weblogs). Third, kids today have fewer family responsibilities (e.g., household chores), but many more personal responsibilities. Fourth, there is more academic pressure and more confusion about adult roles. Parents are often involved in schoolwork because the assignments given may not be appropriate for the level of the student, and parents and kids are afraid of failure. As a result, the children cannot pull away from their parents when they should be developing competence in their schoolwork on their own.

In early childhood, the job is for a kid to put his parent "in his head" as a guiding and reassuring force (making a child feel safe). In adolescence, a kid wants to put his parents out of his head, but he also wants to be connected to his parents. It's a push-pull situation.

Dr. Schonberg concluded with a story about how two different types of people get to the airport. The first type leaves very early and always gets there on time. This person learns how to catch a plane. The second type leaves just enough time, and sometimes misses the plane. This person learns how to address the problem of missing a plane (there are other planes) and feels confident about being able to handle this problem (and others) the next time. Parents may find it scary to have a child who is a risk-taker, but taking risks sometimes provides helpful lessons.

Parents and others often give advice that they themselves would never follow. For example, even if the drinking age is 21, many policemen bend the rules for 20 year olds, giving them the idea that is okay to break that law. Parents should be sensitive about these types of mixed messages as they work with their kids.